sinking

I talked to a friend, and she said that she was having mental illness, that she was hearing voices inside her head, voices blaming her and ambushing her and that she was having a lot of internal struggles that forced her to avoid seeing people. She admitted that she was sick. I was freaked out after listening to that, more reasons why we do not always want to know everything inside people's brain sometimes. But I try to be a psychologist to my friends sometimes because it comes naturally to me to inquire about people's lives and to be interested in their deepest thoughts.
There is a line though, I've realized. A lot of the things I hear tend to stay with me. Eventhough others vent out these feelings, but they somehow get integrated into my thoughts and bother me and forces me into a state of unrest. I need to take a break and breathe some air or I will be otherwise seriously in trouble.

Fever

I had a fever on Sunday, right before labor day weekend. As I walked to church, I could clearly feel that I was dragging my lungs, my stomach and my intestines slowly behind me. My legs were mellow like marshmellows and I could hardly stand for longer than awhile. It's been so long since I had a fever that I completely forget the signs of it or what exactly it feels like. I could only think that I must have not got enough sleep as I half carry the rest of my body with my languid torso and my arms around, with my legs half dozing, half staggering. At church, my brain fell asleep and my limbs were longing to extend themselves and sleep comfortable.

Sunday afternoon, my parents insisted that I go climbing with them for labor day weekend. I was having a high fever at this point. But I agreed for some unknow reason, even though I should really have rested. It's just that I haven't gone hiking for a long time and I really miss really it feels like. Also, my mom was insisting that I would sleep better after some sweat and good exercise.

It was true, I had an amazing rest. It is funny how things work for me. I go to sleep after taking coffee. I recover from a fever after hiking.

I was scared of coming down from the climb though, as I was holding onto the rails, because I was afraid of slipping and falling. I was also extra sensitive due to my sickness.

I got mad for some reason when we arrived at stone mountain, so I left everyone behind and hiked super fast to the top all myself. Sometimes I think that I can get really edgy, am bad at accepting criticism and have a hard time giving in to an argument.

Sometimes, I think, I stay mad for the sake of staying mad, so that I can get an extra boost of that energy which can shoot me up to the sky like fireworks and spread out all my fumes.

In my feverish state, I also thought about death.

I've decided that life is only meaningful because of the people around us, and that I am going to live for the people in my life and worry less about the nonessential things that bother me every now and then. It is profound how much peace and rest one can get in a stage of sickness.

I think I got the cold because of the rapid change in weather and also I was handing out flyers to stop the building of a crematory in my neighborhood, it is probably the only kind of real political action I ever got enrolled in. But I can only have 10 minutes of enthusiasm or so I think. It was fun, handing out the flyers, meeting people, explaining to them what is going on. But also it was better because I had a support team that was there as my friend and I went from house to house. It would be unbearable if it was me alone in the cause.

Chao.

none

how long does it take before you forget a person, completely, who knows?

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
--Just the way you are by bruno Mars.
I am mesmerized by this lyrics, it so wonderfully portrays what exactly love is.

Growing outward

Since sometimes ago, i've been just stuffing a lot of things inside and basically squashed myself . now, like how a frog extends its belly to assert authority, I'm going to grow outward from an extreme introvert.