Paranoid

I was really worried because I haven't heard from him in a week since he took flight. I was worried for his life and I cried during the day and at night whenever I thought about it. I woke up in the middle of the night and concluded that I can't live without him and that I will follow him wherever he goes next time.

but I don't think so now.

I have came to my senses and I do not think that he was involved in an accident or got lost along the way. I think he was just too busy catching up on sleep and too involved with family to bother to check his email and to let me know that he has safely arrived. I think I finally realized what kind of caring and thoughtful person he is now and what place I hold in his heart. I think that I am a convenient girlfriend, someone who he wants to talk when times are good. When times got tough at his home, oh man, I have not heard from him for a week now

I am just too naive and inexperienced. What can possibly happen to him?

I am still eager to see him back in the States safely but I think I need to reevaluate how to approach this relationship. I can go back to the person I was before, who can be summed up in two words, innocent and naive.

I am going to return the ring back to him after he comes back. Jewelry can't buy a thing. What I want is thought, not things. If he really cared, then he would have called me after he got back first thing. only two words or a sentence should suffice. It doesn't even have to be a minute phone call. But he didn't. He can browse through catalog and order something, to put that promise ring on me but he doesn't have the mind to carry out a simple thing like dialing a phone call. Maybe it's because that I am the only person wearing a ring, and not him. He doesn't have to be reminded of anyone.

I don't understand why I am depending so much on him, that I feel like life is not complete without him after dating him. He isn't my type, he doesn't fill my qualifications, he doesn't pay attention to details, he acts nonchalant and indifferent most of the times, he barely carries on a conversation, he isn't interesting or intriguing, he is hard working but he doesn't have a unique history or experience that mystifies me. He doesn't read literature book. He doesn't like to talk about a movie after watching it. He gets angry quickly and does not want to talk about it. He doesn't think I'm mature. He doesn't like to gain insight from a biblical passage or to figure out the logistics o the Christian Bible. He only likes positive messages. He loves women and have more women friends then men friends. He doesn't ever hang out with guys like all normal guys do. He loves attending free events.

but some other times he is patient, dependable, understanding. He is tough and has a soft heart and is vulnerable and was hurt in the past. I wanted to heal him, in my stupid ways of thought. I like him because he actually had enough patience to go through my ridiculous marathon phone calls at nights and prolonged his tired stage, that he forgave me after being childish, immature, sarcastic, unreasonable and stubborn, after torturing him with psychology quizzes and blatantly ignored the one quiz that he wanted me to take. That he didn't get mad after I rated him as crude, non-talkative, impatient and told him so to his face, that he drove an hour and back to home even though sometimes he refused to drive me back, that he let me cut his hair and not worry about what people would think or say after. I like him because I can see his history, the boy that suffered and worked and became the man that he is today.

But Father in heaven, do you think I am wrong. I know that a person cannot be changed by anyone but himself. I am not powerful, and I am not that loving. I am also hurt and frustrated and exhausted during this relationship, maybe you are sending a message saying that I need to get my way out?

time passing

I've seen her again, on the shuttle.
She is so graceful. The way she speaks, her voice, her pace, the way she looks at you, everything is perfect. Even the way she twists her tongue.

I am exactly the crude product that does not adapt to this society.

I miss him. Where is he? Why doesn't he call me when he got to Los Angeles? Is he back home in another continent already? Is he safe. If some accident happen, I would not know who to contact that knows anything about his family. I suddenly realized the lack of overlap in our circles.
It's so easy to keep myself busy during the day and not think about anyone. But when the darkness closes in on you, I think about how suddenly people come in and out of your life.
I've taken off the ring and the earrings. I don't want to be reminded of someone who is not with me, it only increases my longing to see him and reminds me of his absence.

I wonder if it is both ways, or if I am really taking things too seriously.

scared.

I'm scared sometimes that he doesn't even know what his intentions are with me. that I am his past time entertainment, a toy for the time being. I don't think I know men sometimes.

Radical

I think I am a little too radical, extreme and harsh sometimes, maybe it is because my imagination runs away and takes the ropes lining the borders further. Or maybe because I don't take life seriously and see it as a joke so I play a joke on myself sometimes. But doesn't he know that when girls say no they really mean yes? Doesn't he know that I am mad and nonsensical mainly because I am jealous and not because I hate him? Maybe I really need a break.