Marriage.

I am married, but i am not happy. If anything, I feel like i am robbed, of my innocence and of my things that i used to enjoy.

I hardly exercise anymore.

I hardly write anymore.

I just spend a lot of time investigating this person because his past was made of lies. I don't know if i can ever trust him again completely. I don't know why i want to stay in a net like this, living a strange life, sort of like a hippie. No matter how much I shower and sleep, I still feel really dry and really dirty. I am scared of a lot of things now. I bring a tennis rocket but i am scared of going to class. I am scared of meeting new people. I just want to hide in my own corner. I am too attached to him, but somehow deep inside i know that since i've met him, my life has not been better, it has been worse. I've been sick so many times now and went to the hospital twice in the past two months. I'm scared of his indonesian friends, I'm scared of his women friends, i don't fit in with the people he is comfortable with. And I know that i probably never will. We are in two different worlds together.

And I am exhausted. I wish that there is a pill you can take to forget about someone. I would take it. It is unfortunate when a women finds a devastating man, because women are emotional and not quite rational. I just want to live a normal life, but with him, i don't think it will be possible because i can't ever forgive him for the hurts he brought me and I d

walking in clouds.

School

Today, I've suddenly felt like that maybe the reason of why i have been so miserable at school is because that I was not meant to be in medicine.

I started thinking about law school all of a sudden, my mock trial experience in high school and my debate experience in college and it made me realize that maybe the change in career choice has caused me to feel stuffed on the inside...
When i studied for the mcat, i always loved the verbal session anyways and did extremely well, maybe i should stop pushing myself at something i am not good at to focus on something that may not be what i want to do in life, but what is more fit for me to do in life, that would be more fullfilling for me..

love is not easy.

he said he is my best friend..

God

I know who he is exactly, his past, his lies, what type of woman he is attracted to. And I wonder, do i still believe in it, knowing everything,

but i can't help myself, even if i know it is a dark hole, i will still jump into it. Can a person really change from his past? i guess i'll find out.

Love is not simple,

To find a partner to talk to gladly.

especially after one has seen so much betrayal

went through a lot of anxiety.

Who murdered my romance,

Not so simple

To love others and not to think about everything attached.

Love is not simple

Everyone has his temper

too old to dream of love.

calm preferred over vigor

Start? End?

School has started already, I spend most of free times reading marriage counseling books. And to be honest, I really enjoyed it.

I met with my pastor today, and he described me as one of the most complex person he has met. He said that it takes a special kind of person to satisfy me. I wonder about it. I wonder if I am really that particular. Maybe it's the stuff boiling underneath me, maybe i'm been a sleeping tiger lately.

It's not surprising with the amount of sleep I get. I sleep around 2-2:30 on Monday Wednesdays and nap around 10, wake up at 1 and sleep again at 2:30 on Tuesday and Thursdays. They say marriage is about fulfilling the other person's needs. My boyfriend and i are planning to get married, but it's gonna be rocky, and it takes a lot of self reflection and introspection to make the right decision, and I need that right now.

I have not fully matured, or grown, I am heading somewhere yet unknown. I want to discover that place now.

safety

I think i've been close to putting on a strangle hold on Ed, but I think it is because that I don't feel safe with him. I pray that god can earase this from me.

Father, I am confused and scared,

update

I still cry when I think about what happened, the way he left.
I still hurt when I see his emails, asking him about his job.
I cannot pretend that nothing has happened.
Everything is like a dream.
My mom suffers because I suffers, I know, but I cannot be of service because I cannot help myself to get out of this hole.
I try to make myself do things, to watch movies, to plan things.
I think about how normal his life is, how social he is down there, and I am glad for him,
but I pity myself, pity how is it that I am still stuck in the past, that i can't move on and take it handsomely and coolly like he is taking it.
do I really want to take 27 credits and 7 classes so that i can go to Canada and plunge myself into the mercy of someone else, plunge my fate into uncertainty?
I do not know, I know i will regret if I do not try, but I am scared to think about the future, I wish I can just stay in the moment and forget.
But I cannot, my heart cannot betray itself. I wish I can forget about it.