safety

I think i've been close to putting on a strangle hold on Ed, but I think it is because that I don't feel safe with him. I pray that god can earase this from me.

Father, I am confused and scared,

update

I still cry when I think about what happened, the way he left.
I still hurt when I see his emails, asking him about his job.
I cannot pretend that nothing has happened.
Everything is like a dream.
My mom suffers because I suffers, I know, but I cannot be of service because I cannot help myself to get out of this hole.
I try to make myself do things, to watch movies, to plan things.
I think about how normal his life is, how social he is down there, and I am glad for him,
but I pity myself, pity how is it that I am still stuck in the past, that i can't move on and take it handsomely and coolly like he is taking it.
do I really want to take 27 credits and 7 classes so that i can go to Canada and plunge myself into the mercy of someone else, plunge my fate into uncertainty?
I do not know, I know i will regret if I do not try, but I am scared to think about the future, I wish I can just stay in the moment and forget.
But I cannot, my heart cannot betray itself. I wish I can forget about it.