Who is the judge in your life?

WHo is the judge in your life?
Is it you,
Is it others,
Who define your value,

One can't help but gain a booster of confidence following others' approval and confirmation,
One can't help feel undermined when there are no applaud/ appraise were received.

Are humans really social animals, yes,
those who have tested the bondaries of solitude and self-sufficiency have mostly seen failure.

What it takes

Are you someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to achieve your goals?
Are you one of those people who always say, Oh I love your....
I guess that you have to have the energy to do these things,
Do you judge people by the things that they do, the sins they commit,
do you keep a list and have a good memory and go like oh, two years ago, ... did this against me.
Cliche though maybe, but many things in life is a mystery.
you have to keep a rountine,
There has to be a trend,
And there's also adaption over time,
Above all, you have to have energy,
When you are tired, you tend to give up, you tend to loose your focus, your goals, your dreams, and your confidence, you tend to follow crowds that don't give a shit to who you are or what you do and look upon things negatively,
This is a post to all those out there who are ever discouraged or are ready to give up,
Think about how hard you've worked, forget/ numb the negative feelings
Most importantly of all, take a nap, go work out, run a couple of laps, play some tennis,
And embrace whatever it is,
When you find out that you are well rested,
You find yourself more courageous and determined,
YOu find yourself a decider of your actions, and not a follower of the wrong crowd.
In the end, though we are all human, but if it's what it takes to move towards your dreams, go for it, whether it's failure / success, never gave up first before you've given yourself a chance.

2 quotes and others

one is to be the person that you want others to be, for instance, if you want to have a brother/ sister, girlfriend/boyfriend like XX, then you have to be that wonderful person yourself.
don' go looking for things, just suit yourself and live your own style of life and things will come around.

addictions

Have you ever been addicted? I have.
I get addicted to many things. I get addicted to surrealism. I get addicted to stories, stories that have very predictable endings and stories that end unexpectedly.
Eventhough, half way, I already know the result of a novel, I still follow it to see if it contains details that will surprise me. Even if every clue points to extreme similarity, I will still follow through. there are many people who can watch a movie more than 4 times. I believe i must be one of them. But that doesn't apply to every movie.
IT seems that some of us have a high threshold for monotomy.
Some people look for change, look for solutions, look for perfections, are you one of those? But you can't be completely, because the world does not contain plain black and white.
Beware of the hooks that entrance you. Unfortunately, sometimes, the art of living a peaceful life is one of those hooks. Maybe the art of advancing is something else.

Free time

I nipped on my food and watched both Harry Potter 5 and 6, 5 on youtube, and 6 on baidu.

then I started on the new series of Let's Watch Meteor Rain, a mandarin drama that only had 6 episodes uploaded. If there were like 24 episodes uploaded, I probably would have watched the entire thing. It was very good acting.

It made me want to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows again. The ideas embedded in these dramas/ movies were pretty addictive. The themes of love, courage, friends and you against the dark forces, pride, self-esteem, determination and self-respect were very nicely portrayed.

But when it comes down to it 80% of Hollywood drama/ Billboard songs have content theme of love in there, it kind of makes me nuts sometimes. Like a lot of Beyonce and other artist's songs, it's a lot of stuff about love relationships. It drives me crazy how art can be purely made based on the same central emotion/ feeling over and over again.

hates and loves

I hate the noise the buses make when the drivers are stomping on breaks at full power. it reminds me of the dentist drilling someone's teeth, and my teeth hurt when i hear the sound.

I love love sleep, and taking naps.

I saw on the news about a criminal in hiding, and of course when they caught him his looks were drastically altered, he grew a beard, he tanned, his hair was unshaven, all for his purpose of hiding his true identity.

I wonder what it is like to live one's life in hiding, always on the run, but sometimes I do feel that I am the outsider in my life, watching it from a distance, with a passive attitude, is that the same thing as running away??

My draft and my despair

So I was working on my short story fiction for late and got writer's block.
I proceeded to walk towards the sofa downstairs in the library I stayed at to take a nap.
And it was taken. there were two sofas there and it was around 2:30 and there, of course, were two able-bodied men asleep there. One was wearing a doctor in waiting--a resident wearing his special blue hospital outfit.
You think they don't need sleep, right? those doctors, apparently not.
He was turning around and I looked straight around to transmit my strong desire to take his place. But being half-asleep and his eyes half closed , I didn't think he took notice.

So I walked towards the leathery sofas and settled there. Except it was the most uncomfortable thing ever and I felt bad for the student who was studying next to the area cause I must have yawned loudly five times, until I decided to forfeit my wish to take a nap, got up from the sticky sofa and turned away, not before giving the sleepy resident a very dazed and inquisitive look.
I guess everyone has his lazy side.

Hey!!

IT was raining just awhile ago, pouring
and sunny again, in a couple minutes,
These are like the mood swings that come and go-you can be agitated, angry, then peaceful and serene, then sensitive and shy, emo, stressed and gloriously elated/crazily happy.
Days are divided into periods, periods of your emotional display.

I think I feel thankful at the moment,
I'm thankful for what? for many things, friends that make you laugh and be yourself, who give up parts of their time to help you, to spend time with you, who know your faults and your problems but still appreciate the way you are; for family who are there to support you, occasionally, and who are always your last back up plan, there for you to depend and lean on, however inconvenient it may be.

I'm also thankful for

Immanuel

, for the people that comes with open hearts to love, share, play, and forgive, for Hannah, Mike, Julie, and Anna, for the pastors and the kids.
In truth, there are a lot of role models in life, Let's follow them and be like them!

Dang Chen Lu,
if you see this, then you know that I missed you, I hope that your finding your way through...

I'm trying out a new place, tomorrow, let's see how it's going.
There's a lot of stuff going on in my plate, a 10 page paper in which I have not started and many chapters of Bio reading.
Finally, the dreaded conversation between my dad and I have happened, and I'm just glad that it's over,

I'm listening to coldplay right now and I wish that I can start over with today, start with the sunrise
I need that 24 hours. I need to bid more time.
A thousand houses long, that's where I belong, and you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea.
I wonder what it's like to be swallowed in the sea!
My mom blew up today because I forgot to vacuum, She seems to be doing all the house chores these days.
what would happen when I get a real after college job?
I hate the intermediate jobs,
I want to be fixed, I guess,
I want to play basketball with my neighbors,
it's such a Asian sport,
and volleyball on a sandy beach.
High up above and go down below, if you never try, you'll never know,
I feel like i've always been inside a circle, and I want to break out sometimes,
The movie says, When you care less, you have more power in a relationship, but power isn't happiness, happiness is the ability to take risks, to love and to give love,
The CEO of red cross, her speech seemed very framed to me, I wonder if it's because i'm always so critical and don't seem to see the best of people,
How is it that adoration and hate sometimes concurr?

I screamed at my dad yesterday, I feel like such a bitch.
Maybe I'm too Americanized. It seems like I've only learned the bad parts of american culture, what about the good parts?
I don't do much chore at home either, and my parents have to follow my schedule, no longer they are unhappy.
But, But, But, am I really hopeless?

let it pass

I'm playing a game, it's called let it pass. It rolls a dice and let it determines fate for you, and it let time pass through air non-selectively. It's a game called life. Sometimes I'm desperate to break through, but other times I find that it's not too bad.
Words are a waste sometimes.
Don't you think so?
They are constantly being thrown into dumpsters.
Words are really just for your own amusement.

Madness

When my computer gets super sensitized and flips over to the previous page plus deleting the stuff that I was typing over three times, I get furious.
When there are misunderstandings on my part and I can't really understand what's going on? I start fuming.
When my dad tries to advise me on majors one day out of the blue and always ends up blaming me for uncertainties, I get super mad.
When i do something stupid and realize it, the gray fumes start building.
When people sit next to you, say hi, come to visit or just offer a supposedly really friendly gesture/act without really meaning to plus the attitude of being forced, it makes me really angry and sad at the same time.
And then a wave of depressed spirits set in, but i guess optimism would set in eventually.
p.s. there are so many talented and gorgeous people who make me admire them and look up to them, and I wish that things are always decipherable, in harmony and all sync. Unfortunately, life says otherwise. I do believe in change, but I'm starting to question that.

making sense of me.

humor? 

Where does it come from?

Ten more seconds of thought and effort, 

and then you have to tone it in to make sure it sounds all right.

Addiction to dramas, and of course, the best solution is to take away the laptop

It's malicious, addiction. 

I think I'm addicted to feeling a particular way,

addicted to getting expectations and replies a certain way, 

That's probably why I act in a particular manner.

Am I afraid to say no?

To everyone, 

for fear of loosing something,

opportunity, chances, camaraderie.

I am afraid that the world will go on without me.

Aren't you?

I am afraid of perfection, of holiness, of both the good and the evil. 

In the eyes of the angels, far away, I think I see my reflection.

The difference between like and want.

What is it?

Do I need someone along who would walk past me by and nod his head and says yes?

Is that it?

Do I need a microphone that amplifies every word I say three times until it rings in everyone's head and make an impact, is that it? Is that i'm seeking attention?

Do I need a direction that lead me and make sure that never strays? Do I need guidance?

Is it that I need a reinforcer, a comforter and a constant source of energizer all at the same time? Is that it?

Is it that I must maintain my self-esteem and confidence at all times and add a little ginger to everything?

We already know that everyone puts up a front. But it's time to put that saying down, to forget all the proverbs you've learned and move one, and really, really start anew.

Don't you fantasize about the day when you wake up and you forget who you are, what you believe, what you deemed important?

Don't you think about the moment when you can be brain washed so there can truly exist a brand, new, exciting, unpredictable day, not filled with cliches, struggles of crawling back to odd habits, and double-checking your list of wanting to dos with conventional wisdoms.

Subtle, simple differences, like that between want and small changes in your life. 

You like something when you wouldn't mind doing it again,

But you want something when you are willing to work to experience it again.

What if there is no one watching you, besides God, 

How would you react?

How do you feel about living not for this world, but for the next, a future generation without science, or genes, or stem cell research, without mosquitoes that bite. 

 I trample on confusion about normalcy.  

boondocks

So I've been living in the ghetto and boondocks for these past week. I haven't had time to check Emory Announcements at all. Isn't it funny that a university organizes it's events in a conference on the internet? It's like people who are led by strings or puppets' heads that jerk whenever someone pulls the puppet. They don't really have anything to do with the conference for Emory College. it's just the fact the everything is so organized and so tech that makes me feel like that we live in a very regulated life. Like the way the events update themselves on the conference--the dates match up to the present.
Three things about me:
1. I find lying on the sofa in the living room facing the balcony very luxurious, I can just extend my neck, look up to the sky and it amazes me how wide and infinite the horizon of the atmosphere is.
2. I hate it when I read an interesting book and sex comes into sight. I can't really understand why promiscuity not only plays in romance novels, but almost 65% of non-fiction, science-fiction, comedy and so many young adults-like Twilight. I want everything to go back to the platonic years.
3. I have an dual personality, I think

I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
I wonder if it's because I tilted, or that I rarely use a pillow for support. Maybe it's that I should have let my alarm clock to zap away my suitemate's patience and not wake up an hour earlier than usual. So d-ling, d-ling it went, and oh heck I think my brain felt so disturbed as though that an rooster was singing inside my head.
As I finally retained my consciousness after 5 minutes, another 5 minutes, from 7:45-8:20-I got up and slipped into shoes.
If you know me, then you know that it takes me less than 10 minutes to get ready. Always. The routine goes, up, toothpaste on brush, patting on my cheeks wtih water and I'm all good. I may still have wrinkles on my face, but I'm out of the door, so that's cool.
it was also a bad hair day, instead of lustrous, shining streads, I have, much to the disgust of myself, yellow-brownish grass, dry as the harvest crops.
Then, I bought sushi, one that is a combination of 3 kinds. One type contains very skeptical spicy raw fish parts, colored dark red-You can tell it's uncooked by the color, it's as though that there's still blood. And my stomach has been growling since, so I am going to blame it on the sushi pack flavored with soy sauce.